Grief: the long but mostly the short of it

For Brandon

Did I ever tell you About my childhood fear of midgets?

(If I said little people I’d be betraying that Child and this adults beliefs and disdain for the ridiculous things white bread blue jellied fucks think make them moralistic hero’s like deciding what is a “slur” since they discovered it’s “wrong” to call a certain group the one they never stop their mind from thinking )

Well If I have ya know and if not I ain’t gonna explain it to what is essentially myself. Guess I’ll just say if you grew up with out cable television in the 90s you might remember a cast member of the show Hercules and well I might of saw how scary the actor could be off screen and then again another time from someone else of the same stature in a similar situation though directed at my own mother that time while we were at one of the two or three karate classes I took before I quit. (Yeh im a fucking yellow belt . Try and force your so called morals on me, faggot.)

(Oh by that last word I meant the jelly people from earlier but ya know if you weren’t dead or were dead but not spread out ash and not too cold or just cold enough to keep it from being gay and we were alone well….)

The reason I ask is I’m desperately seeking a sign from you as I have been since the night I learned what I know and had to inform your mother, your sister

a sign I’m still not sure has or will ever show up. 

But get this I’m on the bus, on my way to apply for a grave yard gig pedaling smut in fucking beaverton and though I have my head phones in all the songs I might like to hear will make me sob so I’m essentially waiting for my stop while scrolling mindlessly on Spotify and boom big commotion  from every way seeming to be directed at the smallest commuter . Don’t know what she’s bitching about but I’m not one to assume and when I hear the man across from me say something like “short in stature doesn’t mean ya need to be short in kindness” even though she doesn’t hear I still kinda of wanna connect my fist with his jaw, then  I see she’s yelling at this real old Asian man and then homie repeats him self loudly this time and he succeeds in his intent to which she  squeaks out “fuck you “and continues her yelling at the old man .

As Im trying to open my phone to get a flick for the gram or some other retarded way to say “video recording” it all becomes clear and she goes “this is not your fucking country” and even if it was said in the shrill tone of mouse speak the hate was felt . The imagery of her standing up right at face level of this old man siting up front clearly just trying to get her to stop harassing him in a language anyone could understand was like some shit from family guy or some shit but by that point even I had to join in on shaming the little turd .

Luckily she got off the bus right then but then just because it’s Portland some Biden Harris 80 buck water bottle granola parfait Eunuch type motherfucker runs up to old homie from the back of the bus and starts apologizing for the woman and goes I kid you not : “EYEEE think it’s your country ” to this poor guy who might not even understand what the fuck this “they/he” douche is saying and obviously just wants to be left alone.

What I’m getting at is something like I think if you knew of my old fear you might of some how orchestrated a Situation like that to reveal your self cuz you’d know id find it as funny and absurd as you would . If the dead can make things happen I mean

( wish I knew a slur for “dead”)

or maybe you’re doing it by the train I’m on now being full of people but not lacking empty seats and a sweet old abulia type choosing to sit next to me when I been watching that video you posted over and over cuz I always have the same thing happen or maybe it’s the fact that i’m writing this with you never letting me hear the end of how if anyone had to not give up writing it was me at that time In which I had and would not do again for years .

Or maybe I’m just still as stuck within the throes of grief as I was the night in which I learned what I know and had to inform your mother, your sister and I want so badly to believe you haven’t abandoned me like all the other ones I let myself think would always be there that I’ll look for you in anything. Maybe that’s not the curse it seems cuz I find that in doing so, sometime I do catch a glimpse of you.